Tales from the Firing Line: The Hitch Escapades

 Ahh yes, here we are yet again. Time for yet another lovely tale from yours truly and my collective time working at theme parks. These are the tales of employee woe, the things that make your eye twitch while maintaining a smile for all to see.

So please, sit back and relax. Keep your hands and legs inside the blog at all times because if you loose a limb, I'm just going to laugh at you!

  Are you asking yourself "Okay Carrie, What the hell is hitch and why are they escapades?"

 Well I've got an answer!

  'Hitch' is the short term for the Clydesdale Hitch you once saw in Seaworld/Busch Gardens parks. Once upon a time they used to go out three times daily during the summer season at Seaworld Orlando and ride through the parks for pictures/horse adoration. However, it wasn't that simple. Employees got pulled from various areas who had the training to work the hitch for these 3 daily runs on top of their normal duties.  These are the tales surrounding my time when I got yanked from my normal area at Sealion and Otter Stadium to work the hitch and all the stupid which it spawned.

  Early afternoon hitch run, myself and another employee (let's call them Timmy) are walking around in front of the lead horses making sure people clear the pathway and keep to the side so the horses and hitch can pass through safely. We arrive at our "parking and photo' spot just outside of Sealion and Otter stadium. All seems normal at this point so I take up my general stance between the first and second horses to make sure that small children and curious parents don't get to close for pictures without the animal handlers permission. 

   Everything is quiet and pretty normal at this point, we've got a 45 minute park in this spot and it's rather shady so it isn't as annoying as it sometimes can be later in the afternoons. Repeat the same thing "please don't touch the horses" and help position people in the "safe" spot for picture next to the horses. No problem, I've got this even if it is a little bit busy today. 

  Now these are live animals. They eat and drink, a lot like us. Also a lot like us, they sometimes have to use the bathroom but unlike us, horses don't care. They'll just go anyplace they damn well please which always results in chuckles from kids and parental eye rolling at such. Not today, Oh no. We've got a special kind of stupid in the crowd this time!

  I hear the tell-tale movement behind me, peering over my should I see this fellow behind me assuming the position. Without missing a beat I take one LARGE step forward and ask everyone near me to step back a bit, people seem slightly confused but comply. This horse just let's loose with a gigantic pee that he must have been holding to 3.5 weeks, it was a never-ending stream. I'm at the safe distance and I promise my work tennis shoes have touched a LOT WORSE things than some horse urine. I really don't care where it is running/puddling on the ground but I warn everyone to be careful until we rinse the area.  The typical chuckles happen and some eye rolling as always but this crowd seems to be okay. From the back comes Timmy with the bucket of water, we ask everyone to please step back. Water gets tossed on the area and I got back to my previous spot. Things seem normal... or so I thought.

  The music picks up which is the 5 minute warning, people have begun to disperse at this point haven gotten their photos and up close looks. Then suddenly, directly in front of me is Angry Mom #1 (AM1) with stroller and behind her is Head-Nodder (HN) with stroller. 

  Angry Mom #1 with Stroller stomps up to me in a huff, running over the toes on my right foot with her 2.5 kid stroller and proceeds to get right into my face.  Joy.

AM1: How dare you! You let that animal... (she can't even SAY pee) in front of my children!

Me: I'm sorry ma'am but he is an animal and when they have to go, they go. 

AM1: (With increasing volume) IN FRONT OF CHILDREN?! THAT'S INDECENT! 

HN: *Nodding Vigorously* 

Me: I'm sorry you feel that way Ma'am but I have no control over this animals bathroom habits. 

(At this point I wave for Animal Care to come over, she starts heading my way)

AM1: MY CHILDREN WILL BE SCARED FOR LIFE BECAUSE THEY SAW THAT.. THAT... (She still won't say pee)

HN: *Keeps nodding and wincing at proper moments*

Angry Mom #1 with stroller keeps going on about how said horse taking a leak has just damaged her children beyond ALL repair, they will never recover! I'm beginning to wonder if these kids are going to spend their life in diapers because of Angry Mom #1's bathroom issues, all while I keep nodding and apologizing at proper points during her rant. At this point Animal Care has come up beside me, I look over and spot my co-worker doing her damnedest not to bust a gut laughing at this woman.   Angry Mom #1 with stroller spots Animal Care (AC) and this is the result.

AM1: Are YOU in charge of this animal?!

AC: Sure am, he's a beauty. I couldn't help but hear your upset about him?

AM1: He ...WENT... in front of my children!

HN: *Nodding again*

AC: Well Ma'am I'm sorry about that but he is an animal. They aren't trained like cats or dogs to only go in certain places, he just goes were he wants. We try to make sure these accidents don't happen in the park but sometimes they do.

AM1: WELL YOU NEED TO TRAIN HIM! LIKE A DOG! CAUSE MY CHILDREN HAVE DAMAGE FROM THIS!

AC: Perhaps you could explain that we all sometimes have to go?
Me: *Muttering* Oh crap, here we go..

AM1: HOW DARE YOU TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY KIDS! I'M GOING TO SUE! I'M GOING TO OWN THIS PARK!

HN: *Sneers*
AC: *Looks scared*
Me: *Wondering if I have anymore Aspirin Powder's stashed in my locker*

Animal Care just looks at me. I just shrug at this point, someone threatens to sue and 'own this park' at least twice a week in my experience. I've dealt with this a lot in the past but Animal Care rarely has to deal with these kinds of issues, so I jump back in to help out.  Angry Mom #1 with stroller now has a crowd watching her little drama display.

Me: I'm sorry to hear that Ma'am. Would you like us to call a supervisor?

AM1: (Now Screaming) I WANT TO TALK TO THE OWNER! RIGHT NOW! 

Me: I don't know if that's possible but I'll happily call my supervisor for you. Can you wait right here a moment?

AM1: NO! YOUR GOING TO LEAVE! YOU STAY RIGHT HERE!

At this point, Angry Mom #1 with stroller proceeds to yank my upper arm like she probably does her kid. Oh hell no lady, I do not have to put up with your physical bullshit.

Me: Ma'am. I suggest you let go of me. Right now for your own benefit.

AM1: NO! YOUR JUST SOME DUMB KID, I'LL TREAT YOU LIKE ONE!

Me: Ma'am. I'm 19. Let go of me. Now.

NH: *Still sneering and grinning*

AM1: NO! GET THE OWNER!

Oh HELL no.  I proceed to yank my arm out of her grasp (getting a nice long set of scratch marks) Angry Mom #1 with stroller now starts screaming and trying to grab at me. Animal Care is trying to tell the nutcase to back off before she makes the horse nervous. Security has already been called. I'm now loudly telling Angry Mom #1 with stroller to back the hell off or I will be pressing assault charges. She keeps trying to grab me, two employees I normally work with at Sealion and Otter who were sweeping around the area step in to help keep this bat-shit crazy bitch off me. The horses are getting antsy and we're at least 5 minutes over due for return. The drivers are grinning cause they got a show!

Security arrives. Two area Supervisors arrive. One of the employees from Sealion and Otter take's my spot and help get hitch out the gates and back to the stable. In the mean time security has now escorted Angry Mom #1 with stroller and her now scared looking minion Head-Nodder to the back office. Myself and Animal Care have followed along as witnesses, my scratched arm is photographed and we give our incident reports to security. After this it's been at least 20 minutes they've been in the office, Security approach again and asks if I want to press charges, I decline on the condition Angry Mom #1 with stroller and her minion Head-Nodder are given a one year ban from the park.

The security guy grins. This is never a good sign for someone in trouble like Angry Mom #1 with stroller. I'm told she's already mouthed off to the supervisors, called the cops on her cell phone and is claiming mental trauma of a severe sort.. all from the fact a horse had to pee!  Security then relays my request to one of the supervisors and we're both assured Angry Mom #1 with stroller and Head-Nodder are in a lot more trouble then just a banning. We're finally allowed to leave (after I decline first aid, seriously, I've had bigger scratches from wrestling a full trash cart up a hill than what this bitch did).

Later that night I run into one of the supervisors and ask whatever happened with Angry Mom #1 with stroller and Head-Nodder. The story I'm told is rather surprising!

Apparently these two already had a one year ban in effect on the park but they didn't buy their tickets from the park, instead they apparently pick up two from one of the scalper businesses on International Drive. They also had a good bit of stolen merchandise from at least two stores in the park and Head-Nodder fit the description of a woman who shoved a kid out of the way over at Happy Harbor (the large playground area) and caused some kind of injury.  Angry Mom #1 with stroller and Head-Nodder got lead away from the park in handcuffs, plus got themselves a lifetime ban from all Busch parks!

(This story is true and remembered to the best of my ability. Names have been changed to protect the employees and the dumbfucks who got arrested)

Tales from the Firing Line- Stupid Questions are STUPID

Stupid Questions.
We've all heard them come from tourists, in fact tourists are the number one source for all amusement of employees. The dumb questions we've all been asked simply have no limits! I'm sure you've all heard the joke about "What time is the 3 O'Clock Parade?" right?

Well folks, I'm here to tell you. Those kinds of questions really DO happen!
So I'm going share with you some of my personal favorite stupid questions that I've not only been asked myself while a theme park employee, but some of the best of what I've heard with my own two ears while visiting parks... followed by my own personal (and highly sarcastic)answers. So with that, let us begin!

Now to understand most of these, which nearly all come from the Orlando Area theme parks you'll have to know the basics about these parks. Such as location and rides to fully understand many of these.. if you have questions, I suppose I can explain them to you. 

NOTE: Sarcastic remarks are my own and where never said to guests, this is simply the things that run threw my mind when hearing or being asked a very special stupid question!


1. What time is the 3 O'Clock Parade?
-It's at 4:15.

2. Where are the bathrooms? (While standing in front of a large sign saying "RESTROOMS")
-We don't have those here.

3. Why can't I go on JAWS? I'm at Magic Kingdom!
-You Dipshit. That's at Universal, This is Disney.

4. Aren't Disney and Universal the same?
-Please leave my sight before I maim you.

5. Will this monorail take me to Seaworld?
-Sure! Jump in the lake!

6. Is this a ride?
-No, we only say that to confuse you.

7. Is that a real shark?
-No, it's a blow-up doll.

8. Do I have to wait in this line?
-No, your far to special to wait in line.

9. Why is it raining?
-Because that's what happens everyday in Orlando between 2-6pm!

10. Can't you make it stop raining?
-Sure, I'll get right on that weather shield technology!

11. Where did I park my car?
-Texas.

12. Does this roller coaster go upside down?
-Did you even LOOK at the ride?!

13. How many people are in the Sealion Suit?
(Please Read "The Sealion Suit Scandal")
- Two.

14.  Can I use this discount card?
-No, you have to pay double!

15.  Can I use my 'Disney Dollars' here?
-Yes, but that costs double too!

16. How many Tickets do I have to buy?
- 3,259!

17. Is this ride open?
-No, I thought I'd stand in the burning sun in front of this giant line, wearing polyester for fun!

18.  Do you work here?
-No. I just wear tacky fish-printed shirts to confuse you!

19.  Will I get wet?
-No, it's called SPLASH MOUNTAIN for no reason!

20. What are these "Hidden Mickeys"?
-Donald Duck.

21.  What are the 'Turkey Legs' really made of?
-Human Children, We're low. Can we use yours next?!

22.  Is that big 'Golf Ball' a hotel?
-Yes, let me book you a reservation!

23.  Is Shamu really a boy?
-No, she's a Enuch!

24.  Is Walt Disney's head REALLY frozen under the park?
-Yes, we all say "Good Morning" to it everyday!

25. Can you watch my kid so I can go on "ride"?
-Can I eat them?! 

.....and I give you one I didn't hear myself but still makes me laugh!
"I heard the first male to get pregnant will inherit Disney World, Is that true?!"

Tales from the Fring Line- The "Sealion Suit Scandel"

Oh No! What is this?!

"Tales from the Firing Line" is a new piece I'm starting which will feature a once a week story either from myself or a fellow theme park employee telling tales of just how insane working at a theme park can be. You've all heard the joke "What time is the 3 O'clock Parade"? Well we are here to tell you, that isn't a joke! People really do ask the most insane and silly questions while at theme parks. Some of us who have worked in the trenches and been on the firing lines of customer service have our horror stories about the truly stupid, inane and outrageous experiences we've had.. and this is where we're going to tell them!


Let me begin with a personal experience which holds true to the belief that tourists lock their brains in their rental car trunks when visiting a theme park!

Many moons ago back in high school, I worked for Seaworld Orlando (yes, before the 'Adventure Parks' got tacked on and we got stuck in fish print). Stadiums, Sealion and Otter to be exact back during the days of Hotel Clyde and Seymour.

One cool spring evening, I was on the pinniped side (left side) of the stadium and things where fairly normal for once. JTA was down as normal and the radio clipped to my belt was full of the inane chatter of the stadium operations crowd. My show finished like normal, so we stood around in front of the glass to explain that fingers look very much like shrimp and sea lions LOVE shrimp, thus your small child needs to keep it's fingers out of the water. It was just about clear, we where almost free of the last show of the day when my "Oh-this-is-gonna-suck" radar went off.

There, to the left. Stomping up to me.
Oh hell, here we go.

"Ma'am I must ask you" this man said. "We've been to Disney.."
And he trails off, Okay so you've been to Disney world.. that's nice?
"Tell me, how many people are in the Sealion suits"

........
........
........
Seriously? You didn't just ask me that did you?!

Confused I reply nicely with "Sir, they are real, live Sealions".

Naturally this couldn't possibly be true! "No really, it's okay you can tell me. We've been to Disney and everything there is fake so how many people are in those suits?".  I heard in that single moment the small sound my brain cracking and fizzling, you know the sound your electronics make when they die? My brain had officially hit the Emergency Stop button.
Again I say "No sir, I promise you. The animals here are real and alive, those are REAL Sealions".

This went back and forth for more then 15 minutes, this man simply couldn't grasp that the animals really where animals! Naturally said gentleman was getting madder and much louder in volume that I wouldn't invest in him the national secret of our robotic sealion technology!
Finally came the keyword I was waiting for once the words "Sealion suit" left his mouth. "I want to talk to your supervisor!"

Sure thing! Let me call for one!
I walked over to my phone and asked from one to come down, adding in they wouldn't believe this if I told them. They simply had to hear this for themselves! Less then ten minutes later a now highly curious supervisor arrives!

As soon as this guest sees the supervisor (Let's call my supervisor  Mr.Man) he rushes right over before I can explain what's going on and demands loudly. "HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN THE SEALION SUITS?! I'VE BEEN TO DISNEY! IT'S ALL FAKE! HOW MANY?!"
Mr. Man was floored and just looked at me. The expression on my face said something like: Dude, I tried to explain they are real and I told you that you wouldn't believe this! Your turn!

Fast Forward: 15 more minutes of Mr.Man and myself trying to explain that the real animals are real and not fur suits like you see in Disney. At this point Mr.Everything-is-fake-I've-been-to-Disney looks like he's going to give himself a stroke he's so worked up, red faced and angry. Mr. Man is looking hopeless and I'm trying my damnedest not to fall on my ass laughing hysterically at this entire situation. Finally Mr. Man looks to me in complete disbelief at what is happening and says "Fine! You tell him!"

Trying my damnedest not to giggle and grin, to look like a serious employee imparting the wisdom of the ages I reply: "One.. and the Otter is a remote control but you can't tell anyone!"

A smug look comes across his man's face! He knew our deep, dark secret at last!
Without missing a beat as my supervisor and I turn to walk away "So how many people drive Shamu?"
.......
Really?!

Knowing how this works now, that this guest simply won't leave unless we give him an answer Mr.Man and I look at each other and simply answer: "3.. it takes 3 people to drive each Orca" and we quickly walk away! 

**This is a true story the names have been changed to protect the innocent from the stupid**

((Do you have a great story from the firing line? Does it need to be shared with folks because "Your just not going to believe this shit"? Then please email it to InsanityLurksInside@Gmail.com!))